I am in recovery recovering

It looks / feels a lot like fracturing;
pieces that need gathering
for knitting back together
patiently.

Resting.

I am in recovery recovering from broken relationships;
memory lost over internalizing abuse;
normalizing passivity
(the ways I made excuse
after excuse
after excuse
for him)
just taking all the bullshit in
processing indirectly.

Festering.

It sinks in my hips,
my back is sore;
The discomfort collects
and disrupts the core

Consuming.

Until it blew
rampage red eyed
Teeth agape frothing hate
toxic toxic toxic spin

Recovery begins
with acknowledgement:
pro-active movement
to protect
and prevent
this pattern
from persisting, twisting.

Nurturing.

I have done this before –
over and over and over
with and without end.
that cycle mends now:
it is my hand at the plow.

Harvesting.

And with seasons shift
I shed these layers too ~
but not without first airing
the shadows that spoke true
discomfort and conflict
are better than silence
(they teach us how to care)

Listening.

This is a return, and nothing less
release that which does not belong
which does not serve
future weather, future reasons
healing without duress

Feeling.

(isn’t it strange
how there is a ‘certified humane’
‘Conscious Consideration
Guaranteed’
prove that you mind
how a thing bleeds
~ shouldn’t conscious consideration
be the common way of things?)

Considering:
What makes my soul soar?

I can say
with certain certainty
As I wander these woods,
as I hasten to haunt
for foliage and forage for fungus –
that I have loved the lands
with each step
with every breath
more
than I have ever loved any man
and for what barriers I build,
a fortification fortress;
against him –
(let the kindness in
soften; release tension)
I find more fruitful
in the exchanges
of other earthly kin:
longing for birdsong,
the grass with wind –
freefall leaflets, fox prints
and maple tips –
the earthly plane herein,
is the same
as what’s within.

You pick up
you touch
you evolve
you move
forward

upward

inward

outward

and what am I recovering?

a relationship with my self:
a love for my massive mind, and I have missed it
missed the magnitude of sensation
missed the steep depth in mystery
channeling communications, bridging,
the part of me that always
always
loves the serendipity
in wild and free
connecting where it needs
and I need
deeply
time alone, time to hear, time to distill
time to create, time to curate, time to make care
and alone –
not ever really alone.
relationships built with many beings
and not validated by the expectations
made up for binary division:
We move with the rhythm.
We strengthen our divine.

once upon a chapter
I did not know:
balancing
time to be alone,
and time to participate
in community
collective harmony
available to everyone
but first
available for me
and partnership ~
that may come,
and however it arrives
I’ll not idealize it,
I’ll not let it hide.
There’s no compromise
for what reigns inside:
how I learn
is by experiencing
receiving
mystic feedback
reflecting

this is my recovery
to Give the Gifts in Giving

Forgiving